hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
