I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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