Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just found puke in my bra..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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