just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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