tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
