my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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