I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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