Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
