Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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