Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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