the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
