Life is so much better after having sex.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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