Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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