Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
