You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
