John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
