My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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