You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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