I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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