I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
