so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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