Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize