They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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