Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
