i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
