the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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