i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
