I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
