i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
