Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
