On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
