I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
