3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
