I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
