I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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