I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize