so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
