Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
