I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
