Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
