its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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