instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
