I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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