I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
