Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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