come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
