Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
