the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you made out with another girl for some wings
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
