i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
