my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
