if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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