nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
