i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i came on her dog
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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