Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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