So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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