Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
