Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I stole a fireplace last night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize