I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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