Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
