he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
