Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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