Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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