I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have fence marks all over my body
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
