I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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