i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
